Make Your Applications FASTER

Application performance is important. What's the easiest way to make your application faster? Start by making it slower.

Make yourself look better tomorrow by taking action today.

Make Code Slow

Add in a function somewhere - anywhere - in your code to increase execution time.

Point Out Slow Code

This is entirely optional. Wait until the right moment to bring up how slow the code is. With luck, you won't even have to.

Make Code Faster

Graciously volunteer to spend the next 6 months sorting out why the code is so slow. Reduce the time in the sleep function call or remove it all together.

Profit

Bask in the praise showered onto you from your teammates and superiors. Repeat.

Easy to Implement

Takes seconds to implement and shaves rungs off of your career ladder.

JavaScript

function sleep(ms) {
  return new Promise(resolve => setTimeout(resolve, ms));
}


sleep(2000).then(() => { ...your code });

Python

import time


# Some code here
time.sleep(5)
# Some code there

Fortran

call sleep(5)

HolyC

int main()
{
    printf("Here is where the magic happens!");
    sleep(10);
    printf("This line will be executed after 10 seconds.");
    // Someday, you lower this to 9, and so on...
 
    return 0;
}

Easy to Remove

All of the glory, none of the guilt.

JavaScript

1
// some stuff happens here
2


-
sleep(2000).then(() => { ...your code });
4


5
// some stuff happens here
6


7
function MyAwesomeApp() {
8
  return <QuestionablyIncredible />;
9
}

The most important tool in your arsenal.

Before building and pushing to version control, add a few of these to your code. Unsure where to add them? We've developed a handy generator that will randomly select places in your code to obscure them.

    • One of the first things I learned was to always leave breadcrumbs to make yourself look better in the future.

      Santhosh
      Computer Science Student

    • I've heard about this probably a thousand times but never thought to try it. I'll never go back.

      Elise
      Software Engineer

    • Whenever I start a new project or start participating on an existing one, I immediately add these.

      Samantha
      Recent Computer Science Graduate

    • I don't personally use this but I see it come up a lot with recent hires. I really don't care anymore, tbh.

      Lourdes
      Principal Software Engineer

    • I cannot believe how effective this is. I also cannot believe I have been getting away with this for as long as I have!

      Bjorn
      Dabbles In Code

    • I am impressed by how often my Junior engineers speed up our applications. Highly recommended!

      Peter
      CTO

FAQ

What's the catch? There is no catch. Look anywhere - Reddit, Google, StackOverflow, literally anywhere, and you'll find success stories referencing this practice in action. Here are some of the questions we receive most frequently.

    • What if I get caught?

      You won't. Nine times out of then, the only comment you will receive is `LGTM 👍🚢`.

    • I'm not sure this is for me. I believe in strict code review and this is clearly nonsense.

      Depending on how much you love your job or the organization you work for, this is still a practice even advanced users can adopt.

    • What if I want to brag about this on social media? Do you have a template?

      Just remembered that one time at my <insert job number> job that I left a sleep function in my code. I <lowered/removed/enhanced> it every time I <got yelled at/got pushback/was in an incident/needed praise>. 🥰